Training from early April

I was at a friend’s up the valley ‘til late last night.  By the time I parked my truck to begin the walk through the meadow I felt like I barely had the strength to make the journey to my cabin.  My legs felt like lead, and with it being dark I was stumblin’ and staggerin’ even worse because I was too fatigued to really pick my feet up, so I kept tripping over rocks, frozen mud ruts and ice chunks on the first 300 metres of the journey until I got into the bush, then I started slipping on the ice crusted snow, and tripping over some fallen tree branches, etc for the next KM+ of the walk.  I got home just after 1:00am, did a couple things, and then crashed out.  I woke up at 5:00am, turned on my computer to finish a sponsorship bio kit, then left house just before 6:00am to go do some work at the spa, and do some computer work for my kid’s tour.

I was supposed to go to the gym for 9:00 to meet with the Nelson Triathlon race directors, and Bruce from the Nelson Daily News for an interview and some photos as they presented me with a sponsorship cheque.  I was a bit confused by an e-mail I got whether the whole thing at they gym was going to happen or not, so I went anyway just to make sure.  I had absolutely no intention of any training aside from the photo in the gym because I was exhausted to the point where I was starting to see a little fuzzy.  While I was standing there waiting to see if anyone was coming I started swaying back and forth because my legs were so weak and they didn’t really want to hold me up any longer.  It wouldn’t have surprised me if I collapsed as that kind of thing has happened before, but not for quite while.  Normally someone would have sat down in a situation like that, especially if they were standing right beside some chairs, but for me, it hurts too much to sit, so I just had to chance whether I would collapse from exhaustion from standing.

Bruce showed up right on time, and he was apparently a bit confused from the e-mail as well.  We knew Larry couldn’t come, but were unsure about Alwine, but he decided that we might as well do the interview and take some photos since we were both there, so I got changed quickly and went back up to the gym.  We dragged one of the exercise bikes into the middle of the floor away from the window for some better lighting and more room to shoot the photos.  It was kind of humorous watching some of the people’s reactions as they were watching what we were doing.  I was on the bike and Bruce started taking some photos, even lying right out on the floor at times.  I smiled a few times, but for the most-part I had a grimacing look on my face from the pain surging through me from sitting on the bike.

All the sitting at a computer for all the writing for the administrative side of my kid’s tour has been taking a serious toll on my body.  It has been killing me…  I can barely sit anymore because of how much it hurts me, and I have developed a huge consistent limp on my left side because of it, but also from the fusion process in my mid section.  The only time I can straiten my left leg is when I am either standing or lying down completely horizontal.  I can’t even straighten it when I am fully reclined in my recliner chair…I have to sit with left leg bent…It sucks for sure, and has been eating at my mind.  Part of that is because I always have pulled and torn hamstrings, and with the situation I am in now it is impossible to stretch my left hamstring.  That gives me huge problems running (well…staggering) and riding up hills.

My upper left leg/butt/pelvis/hip area is in so much pain that it is also making it real hard for me to ride my bike.  As it has been for so many years, when I ride I always have to frequently switch from sitting to standing.  With the way my left side has been lately, every time I make the switch from sitting to standing, or standing to sitting I almost fall off my bike because of how weak and unstable I am from the crazy pain.  It also makes it hard to unclip from my pedals, which has led to me wiping out when trying to get off my bike.  I just laugh when it happens…what else am I gonna do.  It’s all just a part of the whole journey for me.  If I wanna ride my bike, which I obviously do, then I just have to accept certain things that come along with it.  It never matters if I fall off my bike as long as I get back on.  Then I just laugh about it.  It even makes it more satisfying in certain ways, but that’s not saying I want to fall off my bike.  I just mean that if I do, and get back up to keep charging, then that’s where it’s at.

Anyway…  after I did interview with Bruce there was no way I could just leave the gym if I was already there in my workout gear no matter how I felt.  As usual I could only do some upper body work on the weights because I can’t workout my little chicken legs because of how messed up my knees and mid section are…  after I was done with some weights I went down to get changed to leave…when I started doing that I got thoroughly disgusted with myself.  I saw on a lock the word “believe.”  That triggered something within me, then I got filled up with a familiar sensation:  it’s in times when you are down and depleted, completely fatigued and exhausted with nothing else to give that you gotta suck it up, stop whining and rise above to charge through it all…as that sensation was filling up and swirling within me I instinctively started getting furious with myself for being such a little baby, got changed into my swim shorts, grabbed my goggles and headed out to the pool.  I had a flash of the last time I was in the pool go through my mind, and I thought maybe I should get my wraps to fix up at least my ankles…”Suck it up, and stop wussin’ out!”  I didn’t break stride as I limped out of the change room.

I went into the hot tub for a few minutes, but I still had a minor debate in my head about swimming ‘cause I was so fatigued and sore…I didn’t want to get in the water, but I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t, so I got out of the hot tub and went over to the far lane.  I put on my goggles and then hesitated for a moment before I got in the water.  My body really wasn’t up for it…  I gave my body no choice as I plunged into the water.

My body was in chaos right from the first few strokes.  I knew I had to hold on and hope that things would smooth themselves out a bit after I knocked off a few lengths.  Before I finished the first length I moved into thoughts wondering about what was gonna fall apart this time, and how long it would take to do so.  I expected my right shoulder to go right away because of what it did last time, but before it did anything my entire rib-cage and back started going berserk.  It made it a real challenge to breathe.  When that was happening I got thrust into my fears of my first triathlon in Cultus Lake.  I did the math on that 2 days ago and realized that I would be swimming in a lake in the Lower-mainland for just under an hour in less than 6 weeks…They’re still getting snow off and on right now.  There is no way that water is going to be friendly to my pain-ridden body, as cold water makes my body tense up and causes a frickin’ world of hurt that I don’t even want to think about.  I have even had thoughts of passing on the race for that reason, and also because I know I’ll be all beat up from doing the Vancouver Marathon the weekend before that.  I can’t pass over the race though because my mind will eat me alive and I will be absolutely disgusted with myself to the point where I might aggravate my stomach problems which will only cause me more pain and make things much worse.   I also know that givin’ ‘er in the worst conditions is a part of what I need to do this year because when I am out on my tour for the kids I will have to go through some terrible conditions that my body is going to absolutely revolt against, and fall to pieces because of…  There is also that whole comforting feeling I get from charging through the worst of conditions as I have always been an “elements don’t matter” athlete.  I don’t usually see obstacles only what I want to do…then I do it!  What my body thinks about it all is irrelevant… sorry ‘bout its luck for choosing me as its host!

So back to the pool…  It came as no surprise to me when my right shoulder blew out on my 8^th length.  I was surprised and psyched that it held out for that long.  By then though I had thrown my pain aside in a way because I started to get lost in the blessed-out feeling I get from feeling water all over my body.  No matter how bad I have ever hurt in the water I still always get filled with a sense of peace when I am immersed within it.  I swear I have half blood and half water flowing through my veins.  It is like a trump card that helps me transcend anything my body can throw at me…to a point!  On top of getting lost in that euphoric feeling of the water embracing me into a cocoon-like state I also started having a lotta fun watching the girl in the lane next to me swim easily twice as fast as me…  just flyin’ like a freakin’ machine.

Because of how bad my shoulder was, and how much pain my trunk was in, and all the super-exhaustion that was permeating every fibre of my being (including mental fatigue from my physical exhaustion) I thought I would only do 20 lengths and call it a day at half a KM.  Several lengths before I got that far, I knew deep down that I couldn’t let myself chinse out and stop after so little.  I can’t let myself get outta the pool in anything less than the Sprint 750m distance.  That just isn’t even remotely acceptable! 

By the time I hit my 20^th length my shoulder was sooo sore that the pain had traveled along my collarbone, up through my jaw and found rest in my skull.  I was starting to get a headache because of it.  Greaaat…that’s all I need.  It’s in times like this that I jokingly feel that my body has never forgiven me for not dying at birth like I was supposed to, and it is gonna do whatever it can to make my life miserable.  I just see that as another opportunity to say, “In your face you mutinous bastard of a body!”  (giggle, giggle)  My body has nothing on my will, but eventually it is going to wear itself out because of how hard I give ‘er despite it all.  The only thing I know how to do is charge though.  I guess it’s the price you pay for being an athletic junkie in an absolutely crippled body!  A price I am willing to pay ‘cause I can’t imagine my life any other way…  If I wasn’t totally crippled I would be a total animal and probably grind myself into the ground because of it anyway, so either way, I guess I’d end up all messed up from my addiction to charging no matter what!  Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!  How good is that?  The one thing I can know within myself is that at least I am choosing to live the best I can with my life, which is nice because I would rather live my life into a fast grave than just sit on my butt trying to put off death as long as I could instead.  I would rather not be alive if I couldn’t be athletic…  It is that thought of living my life while I could rather than just putting of death that allowed me to not be phased by anything when I was facing the possibility of cancer last year…I had moved beyond that long before I even got my first test result back.  The only thing I cared about was answering one question for myself:  “Did I make the best of my life with the time I have had?”  The answer was “yes,” so I just moved on and didn’t really think about it. 

My pain in my shoulder, neck and skull didn’t get in my way of having fun watching the girl beside my chop down laps in the pool like they were blades of grass and she was an ass-whuppin’ high-powered lawn mower!  Those blades of grass never stood a chance!  (giggle, giggle)  It helped me transcend my pain and just not even realize it was there any longer.  As that was happening, a nice thing happened because of my pain getting so much worse with every passing stroke…the pain got so bad that it started to make the right side of my face go numb.  That was sweet ‘cause it took care of the headache in my skull…it didn’t take away the minor hallucinations I was starting to have though, but I always have fun watching those…how crazy is that?  It’s like my own little animated movie layered over my own reality…Sweeeeeet!!!  (giggle, giggle)  Whatever gets you through right?!?

Despite what my body was doing I held on to whup down 42 lengths.  After that I finally felt somewhat OK in my mind with ending my swim there.  I thought a bit about going for another 20 to finish just over the Olympic distance I will be swimming the most, but I finally allowed at least a little common sense to permeate my thoughts, and figured I shouldn’t tear my shoulder right out of its socket before I even start racing…there will be lots of time for that later. 

I dragged myself up the ladder and out of the pool, and then staggered over to the hot tub for a quick soak.  The hot water felt so good all over my body and I let it take me away for a few moments.  I started to feel that I wasn’t quite done yet though, so I got up and hobbled my way to the change room to put my goggles away, then I went back to the pool area again to keep going for a bit.  Pain and exhaustion had to take a back seat to the ride I was on…

I got in the shallow pool for the last part of my unexpected workout.  I reverted back to my days in track and field when I was a teenager and started doing A’s and B’s.  I’m not gonna explain what they are here more than saying it involves a sort of running while lifting your knees high (A’s) and then kicking your leg outstretched forward (B’s).  I focused much more on B’s than A’s because all I was thinking about was the fusion process that is well on its way in my hips and pelvis area.  I just wanted to keep movement going, and really focus it in that area.  That was tough, and real painful!  Three out of every 4 strides on my left side caused so much pain that I kept collapsing.  Most of the time I collapsed I fell under the water.  It was agonizing and I know it was written all over my face, but a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do…plain and simple!  After the very first stride my left hip said, “Don’t you freakin’ dare do that again or I’ll make you pay for it!”  I mentally said, “BRING IT,” and kept charging, which of course led to all my collapses.  So be it!  I kept going for awhile.  I was still riding off of the energy of watching the girl who was in the lane beside me still charging!   I was somewhat jealous that I couldn’t charge the pool like that, even though I was still doing it in my own way…  I just missed the days when I used to whup down 5km swims several times a week…  As I have maintained for sooo long, it isn’t my pain that drives me crazy as much as all the stuff it won’t let me do…

When I felt like “I” had had enough, not “my body,” I got out and did my nasty stagger-hobble back to the hot tub.  By that point I could barely put any weight on my left leg, so it seemed like a long walk to the tub.  It felt sooo god to get back in the hot water again.  One of the only other people in the tub was the girl who was in the lane next to me.  The whole time I was in the pool I had a feeling that she was a triathlon chargin’ girly (giggle, giggle), which led me to thinking about races like the Peach Classic where the guys wave starts 5 minutes before the girls.  Of course I am in the back ‘cause I can’t swim fast, so I end up getting’ run over by a stampede of ass-whuppin’ chargin’ girls just cuttin’ up the lake.  I feel like I’m in the running of the bulls and the girls are the bulls running me right over…I almost drown when that happens ‘cause I can’t help but start laughing in the water as it’s happening…just getting’ the crap kicked outta me from this massive onslaught of girls just givin’ ‘er and tearin’ up the lake!!!  Sweeeeet…How kind is that?  If there’s ever any way taken out that’s gotta be right at the top of the list for sure!  (Giggle, giggle!)

The two of us started talking right away.  At that point I still didn’t know who she was, all I knew is that she was ass-whuppin’ awesome in the pool.  Although we had never met, she figured out who I was, and somehow we got into talking about our different wounds.  She said her shoulder was all messed up too, and showed me a big bump on it.  I asked her how it felt in the water and how it affected her.  I got intrigued by that quite a bit as nothing grabs my attention more than athletes who charge through pain, injuries, and adversity…especially when they kick ass doing it…I mean, I charge through pain and adversity, but I am always at the back of the pack, whereas this girl was whuppin’ total ass despite a bunk shoulder!  Sweeeet…That will be a lasting image in my mind as I progress through my training and season…My newest hero!  Al riiiiight!  (giggle, giggle)

We got into talking about racing and stuff.  It was then that I realized that it was Louise…I thought to myself, “It all makes sense now!  No wonder she was swimming at least twice as fast as me and whuppin’ total ass…She charges with the best of ‘em…literally!”  I told her the main reason I kept swimming today despite how bad I was hurting was because I was having so much fun watching her charge the pool like a fine tuned machine.  I even told her that I was gonna write about her in my training journal because of it.  She told me that she was inspired by seeing me givin’ ‘er…  Sweet…it all comes full circle.  (giggle, giggle)

We then got into a conversation about cold water swimming.  I said how I was afraid of the Cultus Lake Triathlon because of how cold it has been, and how soon it was, coupled with the fact that cold water causes my body a whole other world of hurt.  She told me about the ocean tide carrying them waaaay out in 12 degree water at the ½ Ironman in Vancouver last September, which led to them having to swim virtually twice as far…  “Daaaaaaaaaamnnn…” is what went through my mind when I heard that. 

I was glad I met her ‘cause she seemed like the nicest person ever…  Then I got lost in the thought that it seems like the more people I meet in the world of triathlon, the nicer they all seem to get.  That inspired part of a message I posted on our Mountain Spirit Tri-Club message board about telling others in the club to not be shy about coming up to me to say hello, as I haven’t really met anyone because I do everything myself, as my body is too messed up to train with anyone else…   So if any of you in our club actually read this, or anyone else in the triathlon world, YOU ALL KICK-ASS AND ARE THE BEST EVER!  Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!

After I left the pool the impact of my pain and exhaustion really started to reveal itself to me.  I was staggering all over town doing my chores, and my shoulder was so sore that I could barely feel it.  Even still I took my dog to the park on the way home and shot some baskets while she did her doggie sniffing things.  When it was time to go home, my legs felt like lead when I was stumbling through the snow along the mountainside to get to my cabin.  Needless to say, I buckled hard into siesta land when I got home…

Happy charging!